by Dr. Marge Blaine
All of us, both men and women, have varying emotional needs. Women yearn to be heard and understood, while men need to feel trusted, accepted, appreciated, admired, and encouraged. Because of this difference, we are often unaware of how to get the necessary support from our partners.
This distinction leads to many of the problems couples face. People may run into trouble if they treat their partners the way they'd like to be treated without finding out what the other person wants. Both partners then end up feeling frustrated, misunderstood, and angry.
Another mistake, is expecting the person nearest and dearest to know what we'd like without our telling them. A woman I worked with for several months complained bitterly that her husband's presents were always jewelry--gold jewelry--a gift many women would value, but not what she wanted. When I proposed she tell her husband that she'd prefer something else, she shook her head. "He should know what I want!" she declared angrily. "Besides, what kind of present would it be if I had to tell him?"
I suggested that it would be exactly the kind of present she wanted, but she didn't agree. It was no surprise to hear that, once again, she received a gold necklace for her birthday and that she was again dissatisfied.
Here are two basic guidelines which can help improve your relationship:- Don't expect your partner to read your mind. People don't know what we think or want unless we tell them. We can hope that our significant other brings home the very book we've been dying to read or orders that CD we're longing for, but unless the wish is put into words, there is often disappointment.
- Listen to what your partner says. That's the only way to know what pleases someone else. She may prefer the stereo playing full blast even though you're sure it's better lowered and he's content with meat and potatoes while you favor salad. The important thing is to respect the other person's choice.
These ideas sound simple, but they work. What's more, they can help you get more of what you want from your relationship.