by Dr. Marge Blaine
Most of us want the best for our children. We want to avoid our parents' mistakes and give our children what we wished for but never got. In addition, we want to help them develop into their individual and authentic selves. Yet we also expect them to become people who can get along well with others and fulfill their responsibilities. This is not always easy to achieve.
Problems with kids fall into a number of categories. These include difficulties with homework, siblings, and household chores. Homework often presents the greatest source of conflict, but is often easiest to solve.
We all -- including our children -- have differing needs and expectations. A child with a different rhythm from ours may do homework more quickly--or messily--than we expect. On the other hand, children who need time to unwind after school may want to relax before even thinking about doing their homework. Parents who believe homework should be done right after school face trouble if their child needs an opportunity to decompress.
The first step in ending conflicts over homework is to talk about the problem. We might be concerned if a child states, "I don't want to do my homework" or "I hate going to school." But that's how the child feels. It does not mean that homework doesn't have to be done or that school is unnecessary. Talking allows feelings about homework or a problem in school to emerge.
Accepting the feeling doesn't mean accepting the wish. One might answer, "I understand you'd rather play video games than do homework, but your homework's your job. When would be the best time for you to do it?"
There are several ways to help children be more cooperative. These include letting them know your feelings and listening to them with full attention when they talk. Acknowledging childrens' feelings allows them to feel more powerful--and results in greater cooperation. This is, after all, what most of us as parents want.